God wants to kill me

You know that feeling when you are wondering why God thought you were strong enough to go through what you’re going through? I have thought that thought many times. Not just for myself, but especially for others, when they do not seem to be handling a difficult phase very well. A few weeks ago, I witnessed a family bury their two-and-a-half-year-old son and I was just in awe. Sometime this week, I was having a conversation with a woman of God via text and she said to me; “God plans our pain with purpose, so that others may receive strength for our weaknesses,”

That had a lot of meaning to me, and I’m sure anyone that has gone through a season they couldn’t understand will be able to relate to it. It is an even more assuring statement when you are not able to see the purpose of the pain in your season. You can quiet your spirit with the knowledge that.

1. God is good (all the time) and

2. God loves me

3. So what I am going through now must have a positive outcome.

In my years of writing, sharing thoughts and experiences, I have witnessed diverse responses to the stories / articles I share. One blog post can attract criticism, relatability, relief, gratitude, tears, you name it – and that is very interesting to me. This wide array of responses has moved me to assess the intentions behind anything I share, to be certain I’m doing it for the right reasons.

When I write, I get a sense of fulfilment from the feedback; knowing that what I was led to share on my blog or even my WhatsApp status is helpful to someone who may be going through a difficult situation, exploring a new and unknown terrain, or just in need of the reminder – that they are not forgotten. Even more, I have come to understand that when I usually get a heavy burden to write, its probably not because I want to flex my writing muscles - but it’s for someone else. The truth is, that is why we all live – for others. If it is not for your neighbour’s encouragement, it is for God’s glory and pleasure. Everything we go through; God can use for His glory. By this, we know that we are living to please God. We share testimonies to glorify God. We build our talents to honour God. We can endure the hard times with God’s strength; and even when it feels like all the strength is no longer in us, we push further for God and in God.

This concept of our “why’s” made so much sense with the analogy of the purifier of silver. The scripture is from Malachai 3:2-3. It says:

““But who can endure the day of His coming? And who can stand when He appears? For He is like a refiner’s fire and like launderer’s soap [which removes impurities and uncleanness]. He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and He will purify the sons of Levi [the priests], and refine them like gold and silver, so that they may present to the Lord [grain] offerings in righteousness.” Malachi 3:2-3 AMP

Now, I don’t know about you, but sitting in a fire till I am completely purified will not be a comfortable experience. I dare say it is a painful, gut-wrenching, identity altering experience. If we are indeed priests and kings who have been redeemed unto God, we partake of this prophecy, where God purifies the sons of Levi, in order for them to serve Him in righteousness.

Whatever uncomfortable or painful situation you may be going through has a purpose. Especially when you get to the point where you cannot see God’s hand in the chaos, you should KNOW who holds you, and why He holds you. It is because He loves you. He loves you enough to want the best for you – the best of you. Even if it means you will have to go through that situation, it is intended to yield in you the desired result of looking purer, more refined, more like Him. More like Him in a way that will allow you to relevantly contribute to advancing His Kingdom.

Further, God wants the fleshly/corrupted part of your mind and soul to die, so that your Spirit- the part that was made in His image will bear fruit. The part of you that doesn’t look like Him needs to be put to death in order to birth His purpose in you. That is the part where purpose is found in pain. In killing me, He wants to make me new and make me more like Him.

I've heard my pastor say it so many times: "God is not trying to kill you - He WANTS to kill you," and I didn't think much of it until I witnessed a family bury their two-and-a-half-year-old son. Then it hit me - God must have allowed this for a greater purpose. God is too good to allow this much pain without purpose. In that thought process, I found the strength to thank God for what He was doing, though it didn't (still doesn't) make sense to me. I'm so glad God's ways don't have to make sense to me before they are good - His ways are excellent with or without my approval.

So yes, God wants to kill me – to make me new. The question is whether I am ready to allow Him. Are you?