All I want for Christmas

She usually liked Christmas. The season was always filled with laughter and happiness. But not this one. She usually enjoyed listening to carols; the sweet serenading sounds of vocalists would always flood her body with peace – but not this time. Now, every darn carol reminded her of his voice. Angela was miserable, and she hated herself for being this way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid choices! She thought to herself; last year by this time, her life was completely different. She winced and pressed her sweaty palms against her face. She thought about the moisture against her cheeks and remembered how Edward cupped her face in his hands, calling her his angel. But he was a liar.

Argh!! Angela thrust her hands out at the nearest things they could find – whatever it was that was sitting on her bedroom dresser. She cleared it all onto the floor, without giving it a second thought. The force and resulting chaos gave a slight release in the tightness of her chest. She looked down at the mess she just created on the floor: her laptop was in a twisted position, her make-up bag and its contents were strewn all over, cosmetics, perfume bottles, lotion tubes, among other things were all over the place. Rash – she thought to herself, I’m just so rash in everything – and I always make a mess of things… always!

The tightness in her chest intensified. She hugged herself and groaned as she felt the tightness come up to her throat. She slowly crept into her messy bed as her eyes started to blur with tears. The sting in her nose and eyes made her angrier: Why am I crying? She thought, Is that all I am good for? Self-pity?

The tears rolled down her cheeks and she let out a strained yelp. “Argh! Oh, God!” Angela allowed the thoughts of self-pity to engulf her as she surveyed her immaculately disorganized room.

My whole life is a mess! Look at this place – just shows how much I am a mess!

I am such a failure and it’s so sad!

No one understands me and its painful – I’m all alone in this… completely alone!

By now, there was a steady flow of tears rolling down her face. This was so unlike her – she wasn’t supposed to be a victim of circumstances. She made a lot of mistakes over the last year and she just couldn’t get over them. She allowed the mistakes to scar her and not improve her –

Bitterness and loneliness were her closest companions and as much as she tried to rid herself of them, she would find herself falling deeper in the pool of regret, disdain and negative emotions. Her sobs had gotten more violent now, throwing her into fits of coughs and leaving her breathless.

In her very dramatic fit of tears, she had managed to roll of her bed, and curled into a tiny ball at the center of her room.

“God, I just want a clean slate. I want to start over,”

***

“Angela!” She heard the voice before she saw who it belonged to.  “Angela, what’s wrong with you? Are you ok? Have you been crying?”

Angela looked around her, confused. Her room had never looked this tidy. She tried to remember what happened, but she couldn’t. The last thing she remembered was feeling the urge to cry some more. She must have dozed off, she thought… but what happened to her room…?

She looked up at her friend, “Serwaa… when did you get here?” Serwaa’s eyes were frantically searching her face, looking for answers.

“I just came,” she responded, “What’s wrong?”

Angela thought for a second, “I – I…I fell asleep…?” she nodded and rubbed her eyes, stifling a yawn that came from nowhere, “Yes, I fell asleep.”

Serwaa looked uncertain, “You were crying? Your eyes are very red and I can see it in your face. What’s wrong?”

Angela burst out laughing. It was a hearty laugh – genuine, even and she didn’t know why she was laughing. “Oh, never mind that,” She waved her hand dismissively, and got off the floor.  Serwaa started going on about whatever reason she walked into her room, but Angela wasn’t listening.

As she washed her face, she tried to remember what had happened.

Did she clean her room and fall asleep on the floor?

She looked at her reflection in the mirror, and she smiled.

“Clean Slate,” she heard herself say. Then she said into the intense atmosphere around her, “Thank you.”

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